dissapointment and dissapearance

Love destroys you. It gets into your bones and makes you vulnerable. And you don’t even mind. Until the vulnerability strikes you. Love is easy. It’s effortless. Like falling. Because love is in every human being. And yet it melts your bones. Love is melting one in another. This is the definition of love. And it’s true in each and every sense. And that’s that makes it so hard and unbearable.

She wrapped her heart in stone. I’s easier like that. Not letting anyone touch her soul. It’s better than being hurt, she thought. Better than feeling that her heart is stomped on and not even remembering why. Better than your heart starting to ound when you pass someone by. Better than the confusion and the pain and the nausea she felt in her stomach when she sees him. She chose to hurt herself better than being hurt by others.

Ella closed her eyes without thinking that eventually she will stumble over a rock and fall. She wanted to know if she could remember his features without looking at him. She though intensly at his face. Whenever she did that she could feel apressure in her chest, as if a rock would be standing on her heart. This time was’t different even though he was walking close to her along the evening hot street. When she thought of Deniel she could only see his full lips beautifully curved upward. She knew that his eyes must look even more beautiful than his lips, but somehow, that was everything she could imagine when she thought about him. And of course the feeling of unease in her stomach, like hundreds of buterflies flying inside her softly touching the edges with theyr yellowish wings. But this is how she was feeling now too.

Before she opened her eyes she felt Deni’s hand softly brush hers. His touch was familiar in a peculiar way. It reminded her of something she loved to touch. Silk. The hair on her arms raised and she shivered softly. And then, before she could even realizing, he caught her hand lightly.

Ella’s heart started pounding and the blood rushed to her face. She looked down, avoiding his face so he can’t see her embarrassing blush.  She could feel his features imprinting on her mind. She suddenly remembered his amber hair falling on his cheek and  along the forehead, in his eyes. His eyebrows were perfect, like a girl’s, few shades darker than the hair. The long lashes had the same color, making his gaze look deeper. She thought that when he looked at her in a certain way his eyes changed color. From green to light green, darker on the edges of the iris, with thin yellow radial lines starting from the black of his eyes then melting into the green. She could see now clearly even though she never saw his face really close but she knew, somehow that his nose was the perfect shape: not big and not small either; it was the way it’s supposed to be.

She felt his gaze on her face and that interrupted her from thinking at his face. But his features were still there, imprinted in her brain. She couldn’t forget them even if she wanted to. Ella raised her face and looked in his almost yellow eyes. Deniel smiled a warm smile, and she gave in return a shy one. She had boyfriend before but she never felt before like she felt now. The butterflies in her stomach became agitated and suddenly she felt hungry. He didn’t say anything and neither did she but Ella wanted to hear his voice again. They kept the silence for a while, walking hand in hand, both feeling unusual.

They were walking on the main street and both could hear how the bells in the Palace of Culture started to play they’re usual song. Ella finally interrupted the silence: “ It must be seven now” she said. But his response wasn’t at all what she expected. His grip on her hand tightened and she felt all his body tense. “Did I say something wrong?” she wondered out loud. Deniel frowned and shushed her bitterly. Ella hated that, to get shushed, to have her head bitten off, it gave her a feeling of unease and uncertainty. The stone wrapping for her heart returned and she released her hand from his. She caught a glimpse of sadness on his face that was gone before she could think about that. His face became all tensed and serious, looking attentively ahead. He stopped abruptly at  the first intersection. He turned to face Ella which shot him a disappointed glare. Deni’s face became apologetic but she couldn’t see it anymore. “I’m sorry” he said, taking both her hands in his, “Please forgive me about this” He spoke the words fast, like he suddenly went in a hurry. He looked in her confused black eyes for one short moment then he turned and began to walk fast on the side street. Ella stared after Deniel until the trees covered him.

She didn’t know what to think. She couldn’t think about anything now, she just stood in the middle of the road disgusted. She started strolling along he road with the single purpose of going straight home. When she crossed the street she saw a man dressed all in black, even though there were almost thirty degrees, staring at her curiously. Ella fought the urge to yell at him. She looked down and started walking fast towards the closest bus station. She got there in five minutes, almost running with fury. She had to wait three more minutes for the bus to come. When it finally arrived Ella was feeling like she had waited a whole hour. Fifteen people reached the bus’s door at the same time and she had to wait for the elders to enter first. Even furious as she was, she didn’t stomped on her principles for a boy. Only few people got in the bus before she felt her left hand being pulled strong, and she felt a big man bracing her. She screamed but the sound mingled with the loud hooter of a ambulance. Ella wanted to scream again but a big hand covered her face with something that looked like a white and wet handkerchief. She sensed the spicy and poisonous smell emanated by the handkerchief, then all her body went limp, her eyelids closing and her mind falling into unconsciousness.


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